Monday, April 18, 2011

Kerry a.k.a. Cruella DeVille

Woke up to this December 18 or April 18? Tonight's the first night of Passover....seder at my parents house, so it should be a good evening of yelling and screaming.(no one will be fighting, this is just how we communicate)

I had a very roller coaster weekend. I let 2 of my boys each get an ear pierced. I was criticized for it by perfect strangers. (I don't recall asking for their opinions.)  We enjoyed a yummy dinner over at Grande Jakes. Then we shopped as a family at the fruit store..nothing like living it up on a Friday night! Saturday was a rain out day for complaints from me; the weather was awful. Instead, we got to have a visit with my sis in law, her hubby and my 2 nephews. (my late husbands sister) We haven't seen them in a really long time and this was the first time I can remember ever having a visit, just us and them, with no other family around. It was terrific. The boys are getting so big and are like real people now :o) I truly enjoyed it!  Steve and I had a great date night!! He planned dinner AND made a reservation! Dinner was fantastic. I could go on to tell you all about each dish and what not, but I am not a food critic.  (I am just a critic, as was pointed out to me later in the weekend)

Sunday was the busiest day of our weekend. A million and one different activities that the kids needed to get to, which means Steve spent most of the day in the car. I wasn't feeling great so I spent most of the day on the couch. One baseball practice got canceled and one was shortened due to weather, so there was a little relief there. Steve met some friends that were in town for dinner, so he got a well deserved break. I, on the other hand, was again reminded of why I am so "mean" and "scream a lot".

Let me say this: we, as parents, have no idea what to do when the doctor hands us a new baby and says here ya go: here's this new life that you are totally responsible for; you need to teach him/her right from wrong, good from evil, etc and so forth. You can read every book under the sun and in the end, nothing prepares you for being a parent. From that same thought, nothing prepares you for being a stepmother. I read plenty on how to "blend" families and how to be the perfect step-mom (Mind you, I am not a "weekend stepmom". I am raising Zion along with my boys). Please. It's all a bunch of bullshit. You get thrown into a pit of fire and you need to just figure it out, like you do when you give birth. You learn as you go.  I have absolutely NO IDEA what I am doing. It's been almost 3 years; it might as well be day #1.

I try to look at each and everyday as a blank canvas; a chance to start over and make today's "picture" better than yesterdays.It isn't going well.  Zion doesn't like me. He feels I "scream" at him everyday. (this was said yesterday to me directly, the screaming part, not the not liking me part; that's just my assumption) I should also state that Zion does have sensory issues and loud noise does bother him. I really do try to not yell at him because I know it upsets him. But, he interprets anything that comes out of my mouth as "screaming". My feeling---listen to what I am saying and then we won't have this problem. Just do what I ask of you (which isn't a whole lot) and things will be so much easier. Zion also has ADD which I know contributes to a lot of this. I knew early on he had this. I tried to explain it to Steve. I don't think he wanted to hear about it. (no one likes hearing that there may be something going on with their kid) But, I kept pushing. We had him tested an sure enough, I was right.He is on meds (which was a really rough decision for us) and his teachers at school are simply amazed at the difference in him; they say he is like a new child and absolutely LOVE how well he can focus now and complete tasks and get everything done. He's in an accelerated reading and math program at school---he really is brilliant. So, if there has been this 180 in his actions at school, why not at home??? He is super smart so I know he gets what I am asking of him. I think he just doesn't want to. And, this is frustrating. It's a circle we go through every, single day. He thinks he always gets screamed at. I explain he gets "screamed" at because he isn't listening. He goes off on a tangent. I try to again explain what's going on. The circle continues. I don't think asking one to clean up their toys is such a big deal. I also think that if you don't care about the toys you currently have and don't take care of them, why should you get new ones? (A hard lesson for all the boys...but Zion is the only one who truly gets upset over it.)

Zion is also very skinny. He has never had much of an appetite and the ADD meds don't help that. If it were up to him, he'd eat lettuce all day. So meal time is a huge struggle in our house. My boys are quite, sturdy and solid, for lack of better words. If they don't finish a meal, nothing is going to happen. If  Zion doesn't finish, it worries me. So, I harp on him. Is this fair--nope. Do I know it isn't fair? Indeed. Do I know how to handle it? Not in the slightest. Do I know that Zion feels that he's being treated differently than the others? Of course. Do I feel badly? Yes, I do. Should I just let him not eat and not say anything? I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I am capable of just letting it go. :o(

I say NO. I'm told this makes me mean. (not just by him, my own kids too) Life isn't fair. You cannot always get everything you want when you want it, how you want it. I'm sorry , but this is just the way it is. Zion has a really hard time with this concept. He was an only child for the first 4 years of his life.And, I know better than anyone about feeling guilty because your kid loses a parent and so you want to just give the world to them as a way of compensating for the loss. I get it.  His life got turned upside down when Steve and I married and he moved into a house with 3 other kids. I will say this: he has adjusted better than I could have imagined The boys all LOVE each other; they play and laugh and fight and everything as if all 4 were blood brothers. I love this--it truly makes me happy.

That being said, I wish Zion and I had a better relationship. I feel he just tolerates me. But, has no interest in me or what I say or do, unless I am buying him something. Everything I have done for him has been because I care and take an interest. He's only 7-too young to really understand. But, as I have said here before, I hope that one day, my kids will grow up and understand why I did things the way I did them. I am hoping Zion does too. I hope he will realize that I love him and only wanedt the very best for him. I hope he'll know that my harping and nagging was for a reason. I also hope, to one day, figure out how to be better at this. I still have work to do as a regular mom. After all, the guy at the fruit store asked me what kind of mother I was for letting the boys get earrings. I guess Zion isn't the only one who thinks I need work.


  1. I'm sure that some day he will appreciate all that you did for him. It may take a while, but know that you are doing the right thing.

  2. This summer take Zion (and just Zion) out for the day. A bonding day for the two of you so you can talk. Just a thought.

  3. Hey Kerry, you are a GREAT Mother. I hate to say this, but my kids at times treat me the way Zion treats you. Typical kid! They always take things out on the people they LOVE the most. and Hey, he loves you, you are his mom. :) And just wait, you will be so close with him one day, you wont believe it! He will be the one taking you in one day when you and Steve are 90 years old ;) Hang in there, he appreciates you more than you know.