Tuesday, December 18, 2012

"Mom. Can I Talk To You About Something?"

Yesterday, I sat here in tears, feeling super sad about the 20 children that were killed. I felt scared and paranoid about my children being at school. I survived the school day as did my children and children everywhere, thank goodness. As soon as 330pm hit, I received a text from my oldest son, Andrew. This was the exact text that came thru: "Hey Mom. Can I talk to you about something??" My response: "Yes. Always." I got myself all ready for a very serious conversation. In my mind, he was feeling anxious or nervous about being at school. I thought that, perhaps, there had been a lot of security at school and that made him feel paranoid about things happening. I thought his friends and him talked all day about the killer and the victims and could it happen to them. A million thoughts ran through my head in 30 seconds. And, I was already trying to think of the best way to talk to my son in his time of need. The next text that came thru totally caught me off guard, at this point in time: "It's about when I turn 16."

My son JUST turned 14 years old, exactly one month ago today. 14. Not 15, when he'd be getting ready to get a drivers permit. 14. He came in the house all smiley and giddy. I asked how his day was. I asked if there were police at school or an extra security presence. (I was slightly disappointed by the answer I received, but that's not the point, right now.) After he answered my questions, he posed his to me. "Where is that cool purple Corvette Daddy used to drive?" Um......I thought, have you seen it in our garage in the last 8 1/2 years??????????? We continued on with the conversation and I explained that it wasn't really his dads car. It was his uncles car and he was nice enough to let his dad drive the car. But, after his dad died, his dads brother took the car back. Andrew seemed slightly disappointed by my answer. I then told him that if I still had the car, I totally would've let him drive it when he turned 16. Then his face lit up. He seemed so happy by the answer of a situation that isn't going to exist. I found this to be rather humorous for some reason.

In a way, I almost felt relieved that this is what was on my sons mind all day long.  Whereas I spent my day full of fear, sadness and paranoia, my son was completely concerned with whether or not he was going to be zipping around in a car we haven't seen in a long time.  I suppose I should feel relief that his day wasn't consumed with horrible images and thoughts like mine were. Part of me wanted to hug and kiss him like I did when he was 3 years old because I was so happy he made it home in one piece. And then, part of me wanted to tap him in the head and tell him to snap out of it for his unrealistic thoughts of driving around in a car that isn't ours and that he wouldn't even be able to drive for a while.  Sigh.....and the constant battle of thoughts in my head continues.....

My heart still hurts for Newtown. Two more funerals today. I am truly amazed at the memorials that are set up in that town for all of the victims. No one will ever be the same there......they just won't. My thoughts and prayers are with them all. May everyone find a way to move forward and to get thru each day. xoxo

Monday, December 17, 2012

A Parents Worst Fear

I sit here today, with the news on in the background. I so badly want to turn off my TV and yet, I just cannot.  I just can't. I can't stop crying either. I had a killer migraine last night and fell asleep around 8pm. It's still here, but starting to dull now. So maybe, I shouldn't be on my computer or sitting with the TV and lights on. But, I am. I haven't had a migraine in a long time--I've been able to control them pretty well. And, I couldn't understand why I developed one. I woke up so early this morning too since my head was just pounding. Was it due to no caffeine yesterday? Could be. Was it due to our family holiday celebration, hearing all the kids playing and laughing and screaming? Could be. Or, maybe it's because I've been crying on and off since Friday.

I don't use this blog to be political or to really share my personal thoughts on society and the world.  It's just not who I am.  That's not my intention today either. I am writing today's entry as a mom, as always. I'm just a mom, like millions of others, who are probably shaking in their boots over their kids being at school today, even though today is probably the safest day ever for kids to be at school.  When my boys left today, I was shaking. They don't know that, but I was, especially when my youngest boys left.          
The thoughts that ran thru my head: how would I get to school if something happened? I can't drive there. I know how long it takes me to walk there. (well, in that general area. For a brief time, I was walking for exercise. That's a whole other blog, and a more comical one) And, I am not a runner. But, maybe in that instance, I'd be able to?? I'd have to. I'd have to run to my boys. My big boys: it's a very quick walk to their school. I'd be able to get to them in just a few brief moments. And, what if there were multiple people, like a plot and they were at all the district schools? How would I get to all of them? I cannot cut myself in half. These are the thoughts running thru my head right now as the tears are falling from my eyes.  But, I still cannot turn off my TV.

School is supposed to be the safest place for me to send my children. And in the town that this happened in, a place that appeared to be safe and sound, that place is like where we live; a place I moved to because of the community and the amazing schools. The parents of those children moved to that town for the same reason. Isn't is a reasonable expectation for us, as parents, to send our kids to school in the morning and to see them later in the day? Knowing that this happened in that place now means it can happen ANYWHERE...nowhere is safe anymore...nowhere. I don't tell my children that. I tell them they are safe and that their schools have things in place to prevent things like this from happening. But, my kids are smart. They aren't unrealistic.

There are teachers and the administrators in that school that gave their lives for those children. I don't even have words as to how remarkable that is....their families are going on without them now. Their protective instincts took over and they saved so many children. I hope there is a special place for them in the after life as they truly, truly are just amazing. I don't know what else to say about them.

As for the families of the children that are gone, I just....I don't even know. Losing a child is absolutely the worst thing in the world that can happen. And, to lose one so tragically, I don't have words. I don't have words, I don't know what to say and my heart literally hurts. And, these are children I do not know. I have no connection to these families. And, my heart hurts so badly. Two of these children are being buried today. This will be racing thru my mind all day long. These poor, little, adorable boys....they did nothing wrong...all they did was go to school on Friday. All their parents did was send them to school.  They had to wait in that firehouse on Friday to hear that their children weren't coming back to them. I watched on TV as the CT state governor gave an interview telling how he was the one to tell those parents and families that their loved ones weren't coming. He sat their with tears rolling down his face as he told this story. The idea of being in that firehouse makes me feel physically ill. My thoughts and prayers are with all of these families. My thoughts and prayers are also with the first responders who had to go into that school and who wanted to save all those children and adults. Those images are forever embedded in their heads and I cannot imagine.......

There are so many thoughts racing thru my pounding head right now.....tears are falling.....my heart hurts....my stomach hurts.......I will forever remember those 20 children and 6 adults.....may G-d bless their souls. May G-d bless their families.

And to everyone out there.....may all our children and loved ones come home every day. May we as a country find a way to heal. May we find a way to help those who need help. May we find a way to get thru each day. And it's not a cliche to say hug your loved ones a little bit longer. I know I will be each and every day.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I am Me

Today is 12.12.12.....the last time in my lifetime that I will see a date like that. I have to admit...it's pretty cool.  Cooler? Kids turning 12 years old today. Or...people being married 12 years today.  It also dawned on me that this coming Friday, the 14th, I would've been married for 15 years to my late husband. He's been gone over 8 years now. I am happily married to my new husband Steve (who at this point isn't so new LOL) for 4 1/2 years. Where does my head wander at this point, because I am me? I probably should've had some kind of anniversary band on my left finger at this point.(given that combined, between 2 marriages, I've been married about 11 years) People who truly know me will find the humor in that. Those who don't, well, you will think whatever you want. And that is the point of today's blog entry: Think whatever you want about me. At the end of the day, what you think, it doesn't matter.  I am me; for better, for worse; in happy times, in sad; on good days or bad; when
I am up, when I am down; when I feel giving, when I don't; I AM ME; accept me or don't.

I was having a conversation with my therapist. (yes, I see a therapist, as do MANY other people; think what you want) I won't get into all the details as that is really between the two of us. But, the main thing that came from the conversation was that I AM ME. Period. No matter what anyone thinks I am me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me. And trust me, there are varying degrees out there of what people think. I won't list all of the opinions, as they truly don't matter.  The only opinion that matters is mine. Therefore, I am going to write out some facts about me. Whether those of you reading this choose to agree or disagree, that is up to you.

-I am a survivor. I survived losing my husband, suddenly. I was 28 years old and had 3 young sons. I was VERY lucky to have an amazing support system; a lot of people do not have that. I was one of the lucky ones. Without that system, I don't know that I would've survived it.
-I am a good mother; maybe not every single day (definitely not every day LOL) but every day I get up with the intention to do the best I can with my children. Some days, I succeed. Other days, I fail. And on the days I fail, it tears me apart. It may not seem like it, but it does. I want to be a great mom every day. But those moms out there know that some days, it just cannot be done-whether it's due to the kids acting up or me having just a really rough personal day, it cannot be done every single day.
-I am a good cook. (My kids would disagree with that about half the time.) I like trying new recipes and I believe that trying counts for something. If others don't like what I cook, they can cook their own meals.
-I am a good hostess. I try to make my guests feel welcome and I try to make my home feel warm and welcoming. I try.... If people don't like it, they can host events at their own homes.
-I am not a great housekeeper. My house is clean but it has clutter and "stuff".  It frustrates me as I wish I was a better housekeeper. But, this inner battle I have within myself, it may never end; and that frustrates me even more. If people don't like it, don't come to my house.
-I am a great driver, that is, when I am allowed to drive.
-I am an Epileptic. There, I said it. Officially, by definition, I am. No doctor can tell me why. Not having a reason is what bugs me even more I think than having it.
-I am unable to drive AGAIN right now. I have just over 4 months to go until I can.
-I am a control freak. Not having control causes me to "lash out" sometimes. I cannot help it. People think that I can; I promise you, I've tried. It's ok that I am; that's who I am.
-I am a screamer. (get your minds out of the gutter LOL) Just ask my kids. I yell a lot. My mom yelled a lot when we were kids. I didn't understand it then. I most definitely understand it now. My siblings don't have any children yet. One day, they too will understand. I almost guarantee it. So will my children who claim that they won't yell at their children. I hope I'll be around to see those days when they "won't be yelling". But, the fact that I do yell is ok. It doesn't matter if other people understand it. I have 4 kids; 4 boys at that. It doesn't matter if others think I yell to much; they aren't in my shoes.
-I am moody. That's all I can say about that one.
-I don't smile often. It's nothing personal; I just don't.
-I see the glass as "half empty". I just do. My life experiences just seem to cause me to be that way. I envy the people who see it as "half full"--I really do. And, there's nothing wrong with me seeing it the way I do, no matter what other people seem to think.

These are just a few examples of who I am. Some make me the great person that I am; others make me, well, difficult to get along with sometimes LOL. But like I said earlier, all of these qualities make me who I am. It just doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I am Me.