Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Big Girl Panties

To start: some random thoughts today. (not really different from many days)
A. Today is Positive Attitude Day---bite me.
B. Kelly Ripa thinks eating a box of Goldfish is pigging out and her size negative 2 skirt is "too tight" today. Boo frickin hoo.

I really have convinced myself I am amidst a mid-life crisis. (which saddens me because does that mean I'll only live til 70??---not sure if that is good, bad or indifferent....just a realization) When they say that life is a roller coaster, I believe that. Right now though, I am stuck between dips and going upside down and vomiting---to me--this is not enjoyable. I used to like going to Six Flags Great America as a kid---but basically, I enjoyed trying to win $1 toys by spending $25 playing games and by eating my way through the park and people watching. The rides, they were an after thought. Some people enjoy the adventure of twists and turns and not being able to see what is ahead. I am not built that way. I need to see what is in front of me and when I can't, it scares me. My brother, Lance, loves adventure. We are built totally different and yet came from the same factory. Perhaps, it's like Chrysler and Mercedes. All now part of the same family, and yet, so not the same.  I sometimes wish I came from the same assembly line that he came from. I don't embrace change...I run from it. The problem is, when you try to run, you just hit a wall. You cannot avoid it. So, you can either sit down and cry, or, you can put on your big girl panties and deal with it. At this point, I am sitting on the floor, but, I know I need to put on the panties and deal. I just don't know how to stand up.

I have been told by more than several people that I am a good writer. I like to think I am. I have 2 different book ideas.....they sort of overlap and 1 could be the original and 1 could be the sequel. I have notes written for both. I have started writing one. I just can't seem to move forward with it. I'd rather speak it into a tape recorder (how old do I sound now?) and let someone else type it up for me. I feel like the typing is slowing me down. My mind moves much faster than my hands, even though I am a fairly fast typer. So, I am stuck. Kind of like I'm stuck with everything else in my life right now. I don't like it. I know what I need to do to change it, and yet, I just can't seem to do it.

So, I know the solution lies within me. I know what I have to do. But, I need to be the one to convince myself to do it. No matter what anyone says to me or tries to do to help me, in the end, I am in control. (even though I totally feel out of control) I just need to figure out what "control" means.

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