Yesterday, I sat here in tears, feeling super sad about the 20 children that were killed. I felt scared and paranoid about my children being at school. I survived the school day as did my children and children everywhere, thank goodness. As soon as 330pm hit, I received a text from my oldest son, Andrew. This was the exact text that came thru: "Hey Mom. Can I talk to you about something??" My response: "Yes. Always." I got myself all ready for a very serious conversation. In my mind, he was feeling anxious or nervous about being at school. I thought that, perhaps, there had been a lot of security at school and that made him feel paranoid about things happening. I thought his friends and him talked all day about the killer and the victims and could it happen to them. A million thoughts ran through my head in 30 seconds. And, I was already trying to think of the best way to talk to my son in his time of need. The next text that came thru totally caught me off guard, at this point in time: "It's about when I turn 16."
My son JUST turned 14 years old, exactly one month ago today. 14. Not 15, when he'd be getting ready to get a drivers permit. 14. He came in the house all smiley and giddy. I asked how his day was. I asked if there were police at school or an extra security presence. (I was slightly disappointed by the answer I received, but that's not the point, right now.) After he answered my questions, he posed his to me. "Where is that cool purple Corvette Daddy used to drive?" Um......I thought, have you seen it in our garage in the last 8 1/2 years??????????? We continued on with the conversation and I explained that it wasn't really his dads car. It was his uncles car and he was nice enough to let his dad drive the car. But, after his dad died, his dads brother took the car back. Andrew seemed slightly disappointed by my answer. I then told him that if I still had the car, I totally would've let him drive it when he turned 16. Then his face lit up. He seemed so happy by the answer of a situation that isn't going to exist. I found this to be rather humorous for some reason.
In a way, I almost felt relieved that this is what was on my sons mind all day long. Whereas I spent my day full of fear, sadness and paranoia, my son was completely concerned with whether or not he was going to be zipping around in a car we haven't seen in a long time. I suppose I should feel relief that his day wasn't consumed with horrible images and thoughts like mine were. Part of me wanted to hug and kiss him like I did when he was 3 years old because I was so happy he made it home in one piece. And then, part of me wanted to tap him in the head and tell him to snap out of it for his unrealistic thoughts of driving around in a car that isn't ours and that he wouldn't even be able to drive for a while. Sigh.....and the constant battle of thoughts in my head continues.....
My heart still hurts for Newtown. Two more funerals today. I am truly amazed at the memorials that are set up in that town for all of the victims. No one will ever be the same there......they just won't. My thoughts and prayers are with them all. May everyone find a way to move forward and to get thru each day. xoxo