Monday, December 17, 2012

A Parents Worst Fear

I sit here today, with the news on in the background. I so badly want to turn off my TV and yet, I just cannot.  I just can't. I can't stop crying either. I had a killer migraine last night and fell asleep around 8pm. It's still here, but starting to dull now. So maybe, I shouldn't be on my computer or sitting with the TV and lights on. But, I am. I haven't had a migraine in a long time--I've been able to control them pretty well. And, I couldn't understand why I developed one. I woke up so early this morning too since my head was just pounding. Was it due to no caffeine yesterday? Could be. Was it due to our family holiday celebration, hearing all the kids playing and laughing and screaming? Could be. Or, maybe it's because I've been crying on and off since Friday.

I don't use this blog to be political or to really share my personal thoughts on society and the world.  It's just not who I am.  That's not my intention today either. I am writing today's entry as a mom, as always. I'm just a mom, like millions of others, who are probably shaking in their boots over their kids being at school today, even though today is probably the safest day ever for kids to be at school.  When my boys left today, I was shaking. They don't know that, but I was, especially when my youngest boys left.          
The thoughts that ran thru my head: how would I get to school if something happened? I can't drive there. I know how long it takes me to walk there. (well, in that general area. For a brief time, I was walking for exercise. That's a whole other blog, and a more comical one) And, I am not a runner. But, maybe in that instance, I'd be able to?? I'd have to. I'd have to run to my boys. My big boys: it's a very quick walk to their school. I'd be able to get to them in just a few brief moments. And, what if there were multiple people, like a plot and they were at all the district schools? How would I get to all of them? I cannot cut myself in half. These are the thoughts running thru my head right now as the tears are falling from my eyes.  But, I still cannot turn off my TV.

School is supposed to be the safest place for me to send my children. And in the town that this happened in, a place that appeared to be safe and sound, that place is like where we live; a place I moved to because of the community and the amazing schools. The parents of those children moved to that town for the same reason. Isn't is a reasonable expectation for us, as parents, to send our kids to school in the morning and to see them later in the day? Knowing that this happened in that place now means it can happen ANYWHERE...nowhere is safe anymore...nowhere. I don't tell my children that. I tell them they are safe and that their schools have things in place to prevent things like this from happening. But, my kids are smart. They aren't unrealistic.

There are teachers and the administrators in that school that gave their lives for those children. I don't even have words as to how remarkable that is....their families are going on without them now. Their protective instincts took over and they saved so many children. I hope there is a special place for them in the after life as they truly, truly are just amazing. I don't know what else to say about them.

As for the families of the children that are gone, I just....I don't even know. Losing a child is absolutely the worst thing in the world that can happen. And, to lose one so tragically, I don't have words. I don't have words, I don't know what to say and my heart literally hurts. And, these are children I do not know. I have no connection to these families. And, my heart hurts so badly. Two of these children are being buried today. This will be racing thru my mind all day long. These poor, little, adorable boys....they did nothing wrong...all they did was go to school on Friday. All their parents did was send them to school.  They had to wait in that firehouse on Friday to hear that their children weren't coming back to them. I watched on TV as the CT state governor gave an interview telling how he was the one to tell those parents and families that their loved ones weren't coming. He sat their with tears rolling down his face as he told this story. The idea of being in that firehouse makes me feel physically ill. My thoughts and prayers are with all of these families. My thoughts and prayers are also with the first responders who had to go into that school and who wanted to save all those children and adults. Those images are forever embedded in their heads and I cannot imagine.......

There are so many thoughts racing thru my pounding head right now.....tears are heart stomach hurts.......I will forever remember those 20 children and 6 adults.....may G-d bless their souls. May G-d bless their families.

And to everyone out there.....may all our children and loved ones come home every day. May we as a country find a way to heal. May we find a way to help those who need help. May we find a way to get thru each day. And it's not a cliche to say hug your loved ones a little bit longer. I know I will be each and every day.


  1. This is the most profound article you have ever written. While reading it, tears are rolling down my face. I, too, have been crying all weekend. I am thinking about your boys (my grandchildren). I am thinking about you and your siblings (who are the ages of the teachers). There is nothing that can be said that you haven't said. It was truly, beautiful!

  2. I'd get your little boys. You get my girl. It's the village taking care of each other. xoxo