Today is 12.12.12.....the last time in my lifetime that I will see a date like that. I have to admit...it's pretty cool. Cooler? Kids turning 12 years old today. Or...people being married 12 years today. It also dawned on me that this coming Friday, the 14th, I would've been married for 15 years to my late husband. He's been gone over 8 years now. I am happily married to my new husband Steve (who at this point isn't so new LOL) for 4 1/2 years. Where does my head wander at this point, because I am me? I probably should've had some kind of anniversary band on my left finger at this point.(given that combined, between 2 marriages, I've been married about 11 years) People who truly know me will find the humor in that. Those who don't, well, you will think whatever you want. And that is the point of today's blog entry: Think whatever you want about me. At the end of the day, what you think, it doesn't matter. I am me; for better, for worse; in happy times, in sad; on good days or bad; when
I am up, when I am down; when I feel giving, when I don't; I AM ME; accept me or don't.
I was having a conversation with my therapist. (yes, I see a therapist, as do MANY other people; think what you want) I won't get into all the details as that is really between the two of us. But, the main thing that came from the conversation was that I AM ME. Period. No matter what anyone thinks I am me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me. And trust me, there are varying degrees out there of what people think. I won't list all of the opinions, as they truly don't matter. The only opinion that matters is mine. Therefore, I am going to write out some facts about me. Whether those of you reading this choose to agree or disagree, that is up to you.
-I am a survivor. I survived losing my husband, suddenly. I was 28 years old and had 3 young sons. I was VERY lucky to have an amazing support system; a lot of people do not have that. I was one of the lucky ones. Without that system, I don't know that I would've survived it.
-I am a good mother; maybe not every single day (definitely not every day LOL) but every day I get up with the intention to do the best I can with my children. Some days, I succeed. Other days, I fail. And on the days I fail, it tears me apart. It may not seem like it, but it does. I want to be a great mom every day. But those moms out there know that some days, it just cannot be done-whether it's due to the kids acting up or me having just a really rough personal day, it cannot be done every single day.
-I am a good cook. (My kids would disagree with that about half the time.) I like trying new recipes and I believe that trying counts for something. If others don't like what I cook, they can cook their own meals.
-I am a good hostess. I try to make my guests feel welcome and I try to make my home feel warm and welcoming. I try.... If people don't like it, they can host events at their own homes.
-I am not a great housekeeper. My house is clean but it has clutter and "stuff". It frustrates me as I wish I was a better housekeeper. But, this inner battle I have within myself, it may never end; and that frustrates me even more. If people don't like it, don't come to my house.
-I am a great driver, that is, when I am allowed to drive.
-I am an Epileptic. There, I said it. Officially, by definition, I am. No doctor can tell me why. Not having a reason is what bugs me even more I think than having it.
-I am unable to drive AGAIN right now. I have just over 4 months to go until I can.
-I am a control freak. Not having control causes me to "lash out" sometimes. I cannot help it. People think that I can; I promise you, I've tried. It's ok that I am; that's who I am.
-I am a screamer. (get your minds out of the gutter LOL) Just ask my kids. I yell a lot. My mom yelled a lot when we were kids. I didn't understand it then. I most definitely understand it now. My siblings don't have any children yet. One day, they too will understand. I almost guarantee it. So will my children who claim that they won't yell at their children. I hope I'll be around to see those days when they "won't be yelling". But, the fact that I do yell is ok. It doesn't matter if other people understand it. I have 4 kids; 4 boys at that. It doesn't matter if others think I yell to much; they aren't in my shoes.
-I am moody. That's all I can say about that one.
-I don't smile often. It's nothing personal; I just don't.
-I see the glass as "half empty". I just do. My life experiences just seem to cause me to be that way. I envy the people who see it as "half full"--I really do. And, there's nothing wrong with me seeing it the way I do, no matter what other people seem to think.
These are just a few examples of who I am. Some make me the great person that I am; others make me, well, difficult to get along with sometimes LOL. But like I said earlier, all of these qualities make me who I am. It just doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I am Me.