I'm Back

I'm back. Have you missed me? As much as I love writing, I haven't missed being here. Why? Because I was busy with my life; my children, my husband, my job, my home, my friends, you get the point.

And then, on October 14th, while talking with Steve (who was wearing a t-shirt I really couldn't stand) I apparently had a seizure. I say apparently because I have NO recollection of it at all. But, the paramedics confirmed it.  Steve confirmed it. Andrew confirmed it. Yes, not only did my husband have to witness it, but my oldest son did as well.  From my understanding, he was a rock star. He called 911 and handled everything while Steve tried to keep me from hurting myself.  Steve followed the ambulance to the hospital. Andrew called all the necessary people, including my BFF who was in the Bahamas and couldn't really do anything from there, but he probably didn't remember that. After all, he's a teenager now and doesn't listen to me. I guess I was doing ok at the hospital and I was going to get to go home, until I had seizure number 2 and was then admitted.

I really do not remember much of my hospital stay. The neurologist says that is normal. It doesn't feel normal. I haven't felt normal in 16 days. I've had an outpouring of help from family and friends and it is very much appreciated by me and my husband and kids. But, again, I have a LONG 6 months ahead of me as driving is off limits, AGAIN. I cannot begin to explain to you what it is like to have your freedom ripped away from you. I cannot do anything on my own, for the most part. I have to ask to go places. I HATE ASKING FOR HELP. I am a control freak. And now, I have no control. It makes me feel like a child. I hate it. I am back to wearing a medical ID bracelet. (guess I never should've removed the one I had on) My medication has been doubled. It exhausts me to no end.  That part *should wear off.  I am SO fortunate that the kids and Steve are being super wonderful. (of course, I had threatened no Hanukkah or birthdays)

At least this time, my 6 month sentence, is not during baseball season. I should be freed from this right as the season starts. And, thank goodness for online shopping as the holiday season approaches. As much as I don't enjoy crowds and, well people in general, I do love seeing all the decorations in the stores. It's my favorite time of year. I know, I can go to the stores with Steve or friends, but I like doing it MY WAY, like Frank Sinatra.

So, my friends, expect more entries from me. I'm not sure how amusing they'll be as me staring at the dog is kind of boring. I'll try my best. XO

The 4 Little Pigs and the Defeated Mother

Hi everyone! Long time, no writing! I cannot believe it has been about 3 months since I have written. Let's see....what has gone on in 3 months.

I became a merchandiser for a great new company called chloe + isabel. Check it out: www.kerrykleinbutman.chloeandisabel.com
I am still working for Boom Entertainment and loving it!!!! I love the guys I work with. It truly makes going to work a pleasure. Although, I am missing Digital Dave since he is not working out of the office anymore.

My  I  had his tonsils taken out over Spring Break.....that was a LONG week. But...during the week I began reading the Fifty Shades trilogy...I read all 3 books in 5 days. I hadn't read a book for pleasure in about 15 years...so, thank you Christian Grey (and E.L. James) for getting me back into a hobby that I used to absolutely LOVE and I have missed so much.

Baseball season is back in full swing in our house...all 4 boys are playing and the 2 big boys are also playing travel as well. I wish I could blame the state of my house on baseball. Unfortunately, I cannot. My children, as much as I love them and they are my entire world, are, for lack of a better word, pigs. Do not misunderstand. My house is clean. It's just a disaster--the boys leave things all over, not bothering to put things in their proper places or caring as to whether they will trip over anything. They take things out of the pantry, and do not put them back. They come home from a game, remove their belt and leave it in the kitchen. I wash and fold their clothes and they do not put them away. There are piles of clean clothes all over their rooms. I have basically given up on their bedrooms. It's a losing battle and I do not have the time nor the energy to fight anymore. I have simply given up. I keep the bedroom doors closed.

As far as the rest of the house is concerned, there is stuff everywhere too. I yell, I beg, I ask nicely, and no matter which way I do it---they all simply refuse to listen. I have stopped packing lunches and cooking dinners. (They are very lucky that my husband pities them.) At one point, I did not shop for the pantry for about a month because I was sick of them messing it up every single day. Last night, I did shop and came home to find a horrid mess. I cleaned it up while no one was home. The sad thing is: no one noticed it. They all just assume that a fairy sweeps thru the house when they aren't looking and cleans up and puts away all of their things.

I wish I had the time to run around the house and wait for them to drop things so I could pick up after them. (well, not really)I wish I could afford to hire someone to take care of the house. (When the boys were younger and before I remarried, I did have help. Life was different then. I am wondering if this spoiled the kids into thinking they didn't need to clean up after themselves.) I am a working mom of 4 boys. There is endless laundry, bills and mail to be sorted thru and paid, homework to supervise, carpooling to be done, and that other thing that is rare--sleep. I am not Super Woman. It's time to admit defeat. I cannot do it all. To be honest, I just don't even care anymore. And, that makes me sad. Society says I should care.

I am going to take the words of advice my brother Lance, who turns 34 years old today, gave me years ago: Fuck it.

My FAVORITE Day of the Year!

That's right--it's here!!!!! My favorite day of the year!!!!!! It's not because of romance, flowers or chocolate--although, I certainly wouldn't turn any down. This day has been my favorite day for a VERY long time. I love that it means showing the people you love how much you love them. Yes, we should do this everyday, but I enjoy the sappy-ness of the hearts and glitter, buying little things for all my guys, cards specific to their likes and just seeing their faces as they get to open up little gifts.

My late husband was completely against this holiday. Like, totally against it. He didn't go with the "Hallmark Holiday" excuse. He basically just thought it was stupid and why spend double the money on flowers when on any other day of the year, he could send or buy me the identical ones.Our first Valentines Day he did buy me roses---I am SO NOT a fan of roses. They require no thought. We didn't go out to dinner. It turned into an ugly argument. Fast forward to having kids.Well, let's back up a second. I did get the ultimate gift from him on Valentine's Day 1998. I think this was meant to be-- as something he could "hold over me" , even from beyond the grave. Andrew was conceived that day. Today, is the 14 year anniversary of the greatest gift I ever got. :o)
 We did celebrate our first Valentines Day with Andrew at Wildfire for dinner. He was such a good boy. He slept almost the whole time and let us eat. It was nice. I decided, when Andrew was 14 months old and I got a flyer in the mail from the Picture People advertising their Valentines Day props, that I was taking him. I went and had the best pictures of him taken wearing his black overalls, white long sleeved shirt, standing as he was surrounded by over sized candy hearts with sayings on them. I mailed them out in Valentines Day cards to our family and friends. My husband didn't oppose any of this. He thought it was cute. After Issac was born, I dressed the boys in 100% LOVE t-shirts from the Gap and had pics taken again. Freakin' adorable!!!!!! For years I dressed them in Valentine's Day shirts and did pictures...and then, they got too old for this.  So now, every year, the boys get cards and candy and little gifts. We have heart shaped pizza and a special dessert. (This year I ordered a giant "love bug" cookie bouquet for my love bugs) They know that this day is a huge deal for me...but I am not sure they fully understand why.

To me, this day is not about me receiving gifts or cards. It's about me giving to everyone I love. When I was younger, I wanted it to be about me. And, after being disappointed year after year, I decided to change my attitude about it. And now, that I show everyone how  much I love them, it makes me feel really good and that is the best present I could ask for. (of course, I still want a gift and a card....I am human, LOL, but, really, I am just happy to be with my love bugs on this super special day)

Love, hugs and kisses to you all!!!!!!!!

Valentines Day, The Arcade and Needing a Gallon of Bleach

Happy February everyone!!!! I love February! My most favorite day of the year, Valentine's Day, falls this month. My house is decorated. I have started purchasing gifts for the kids and Steve and Bailey is wearing her Valentine's Day collar.


We returned home from our long anticipated family vacation this past Saturday. We took a cruise with the kids and some of my family. We had a truly incredible week--one I will never forget. It was so great to be able to have such quality time together and to be able to relax and just be. None of us ever get to just be. We all needed it

What we did NOT need was a $340 bill from the arcade on the ship. That is correct. Your read that right. THREE HUNDRED FORTY DOLLARS. I am partially to blame for this mishap. After being woken by a false fire alarm at our hotel in Miami, boarding the ship, and unpacking all 6 of us, I was super tired and just wanted a 20 minute nap. The kids were super excited and refused to quiet down. So I told them (after a TON of their pestering) that they could go to the arcade for a little bit. Less than an hour later, I was awakened to see the watches my kids had "won" at the arcade. I figured these watches ran me about $100--about $97 more than they were worth, but I got to nap. The next night, as we sat waiting for Blue Man Group to start, Andrew asked if he could speak to me privately later on. I had an empty seat next to me and told him to sit down and we could talk. He confessed to the boys spending that much money and told me that they planned to pay me back for all the games. He thought I knew about the phone call Steve had received. I played along..I didn't yell...I just said ok and thank you for your honesty. Then I got pissed. What phone call??? Steve knew about this????So, I turned to ask him about this phone call. He said that morning, after I took the kids to the buffet, he got a call in the room from guest services. They had noticed the "unusual activity" on the boys room/charge cards and wanted him to be aware.  Uh, ok. Why was I not aware? His response: "I was waiting for a good time to tell you." which is code for, "when you see the bill and go bat shit crazy, you'll know what happened." Needless to say, I was not happy with anyone at that point, but decided to not let it ruin my trip--what was done was done and mark my words, these boys will pay back every dime.

A couple days later, we were making our first port stop. Zion was SO EXCITED to visit his first "island" as he had never been on one. My parents took him onto St. Maarten with them. Upon their return to the ship, I asked Zion how his day was. As he started to tell me about the cool new bracelet he got and how he had "the best day ever", my mother was also speaking and telling me how the poor kid threw up about 10 times, starting in the cab and proceeded to keep going. Uh.....WHAT?????? The cab ride was apparently an awful one and he appeared to get car sick from it. But, Zion is a real trooper when sick. He doesn't cry or complain or even make a peep. That's the only problem. He doesn't tell anyone he is about to vomit, so you need to watch him. My mom quickly learned that and had it all under control. Zion also picked out a bracelet for me that is filled with "gems" and he thought I would love it. It was exceptionally sweet and considerate of him and I greatly appreciate his thoughtfulness. 

We had breakfast with the Nickelodeon characters (including SpongeBob, Patrick, Dora and Diego) which of course was the highlight for so many of us. We even ate green slime syrup with our mini pancakes.Andrew was too cool to join us for this pre-paid breakfast so my mom joined us. I think she had the best time of any of us. SpongeBob and Patrick don't drive her crazy at all.

Since returning home and doing an endless amount of laundry (much thanks to Steve for heading up that department!) we have some really icky germs going on in our house. Stomach flu, ear infection, coughs, colds and my poor baby girl Bailey looks like many of the seniors on the ship, hobbling around with some sort of hip problem. Maybe I should go get her a scooter that makes noises when it drives so people know to stay out of her way when approaching a buffet. I'll be taking her to the vet this afternoon--if Steve doesn't need his car. Yes, we are down to one right now. My car needed work and after dealing with the PITA people at the dealership who promised us a loaner car, Steve did not get one this morning. He and Zion received a ride home in the courtesy vehicle and we'll get a call later with an update on my car. Kinda wish Zion had thrown up in it--that would teach them a lesson on lying to Kerry. In the meantime, the car may have to stay longer than anticipated since someone appears to have hit the back of my car and chrome is hanging from it----I missed seeing all of this last night when 2 of the boys and I got home from dinner with their grandma for her birthday. How I missed seeing it is beyond me, but maybe lack of sleep the last couple of nights has something to do with it?

All in all....life is, well, life. These bumps in our road are just bumps. We'll get over all of it. It always makes us laugh and that is the best medicine anyone could ask for.

Tears of Joy and Sorrow

I'm sitting at my desk at work, obviously taking a break, but just for a few moments--I promise!!

I just read another Caring Bridge update about yet another child going thru a traumatic, life altering experience and I started to cry. It was a "good" update---if that is possible to say; that any of this could be good. I am truly amazed by the strength these babies and children have. They are ALL FIGHTERS!!!!!!!!!--every one of them that I know---they've been fighting since day 1 and continue to do so and even though I may not know them personally, I am so proud of them. That probably sounds a bit weird and almost stalker-ish. But in some way, shape or form, I know about these kids thru their parents, or thru our community, or on a very personal level.

I don't want to give out too much detail here as it is not my place to do so. I will just say this. This week, there have been some positive things happening and it makes me hopeful that maybe 2012 is going to turn things around. I've read updates on Facebook, Caring Bridge and even watched a couple videos--one of which brought both Steve and me to tears last night. Like I said, I cannot (and will not) give out details, so reading this is probably a little frustrating, but this video was just amazing to me. To be able to see parent and child the way they were was truly like nothing I've ever seen.

There has been some sadness this week as well, but I am going to choose to not write about it or dwell on it.  I am choosing to look at the positive in hopes it will bring more in the weeks and months ahead. EVERYDAY,
I think about these kids and their families, hoping my positive thoughts will do some good. I have no idea if they will, but I have to believe that they will.

So, today, to any of you who may be reading, please know my heart is with all of you. I think about you.
I hope for you. For those grownups who are having a rough time and struggling, I think about you as well and hope for your peace and happiness too.

With love,
Me

I'm 13 and I Know It

LMFAO is ruining my life. I happen to enjoy some of their music....."Party Rock" and "I'm Sexy and I Know It" are fun. "Shots", not so much. "I Am Not a Whore"......I won't go there. But---these "musicians" (probably because one of them has a father in the music industry) are poisoning the minds of my children, but mostly, my oldest son's.

Since he turned 13 about 2 months ago.....this kid thinks he's a "shmexy beast" (whatever that is) and he knows everything and I, apparently, am a moron.  This all sounds par for the course, now that he is an official teenager, but, really, it's annoying.  I was 13 once too. I thought I knew it all and that my parents knew nothing. (little did I know...) But I NEVER walked around with this cocky, arrogant attitude making people try to believe that I was holier than thou.  I play it off that he is "self-confident" and has good "self-esteem". Right. If he keeps it up, in about 3 years, some girl is going to smack the shit out of him for acting like this. And, he'll deserve it.  Have I told him this? Nope. Remember, I am his MOTHER and I am a moron.

Is this how cocky guys start out??? Or---is it an influence of the stupid-ass songs on the radio?? I'm sexy and I know it...have you seen these two? I mean, I know that part of their "charm" is that they are making fun of themselves. But, something tells me they have girls fawning all over them. And, because of that, my son thinks that he too will have girls fawning all over him. Don't get me wrong---I mean, yes, I am completely biased as his mother---but the boy is so cute; has been since day 1. He has the same face as he did in his 3 month old picture. And, he is a NICE boy. (again...I admit to the bias) He's polite and kind and well mannered. (usually) I'll try not to hurt myself patting my own back. But, really, LMFAO is kind of ruining him, just a little bit. He'll treat a girl nicely, but he'll probably end up doing something stupid, as most guys do.  I know one day my baby will get his heart broken by some little biatch....as every guy does. And then, it'll be up to this moron to fix it.

A Bitter Reality

It's been over two months since I have blogged anything. Life got crazy for a while. My oldest son, Andrew became a Bar Mitzvah in November. It was a day I thought would take forever to get here when he was first born, and then, it was here and now it's over. I couldn't be more proud of the job he did and how hard he worked to accomplish it. I hosted Thanksgiving a few days later. Everything there went fairly well. It was another loud, rowdy evening with my family. Nothing else needs to be said there. And now, the end of the year is in sight. And as I look back.....it's been a rough one.

I spent the first six months not being able to drive due to my seizure episode that occurred while on vacation for my 35th birthday. After rounds and rounds of testing, there was never an answer as to what caused it or why it happened. It was the second seizure I had in a 19 month period. No answers ever came from the first seizure either. It was an incredibly difficult time for me. I lost my freedom. It was a difficult strain on Steve and the boys, but , we pulled thru it.

Things got better for a couple weeks when my BFF's son was diagnosed with a Wilms Tumor. He underwent major surgery to remove the tumor and one kidney. I had to leave town a few days after surgery. Andrew's baseball team was on their way to Cooperstown to play at Dreams Park--something we had been waiting for for 2 years. It was so hard to leave and to not be here to help and support her. Steve was unable to take the trip with us due to work. Thank G-d for my Mom, for without her coming with the boys and me, this whole trip would've fallen apart. My BFF's son has had a  bumpy road since but he is a fighter and a champ and has two treatments left and then we all get to say "F you Cancer!!!!!!"

Too many friends and people I grew up with or knew when I was younger have lost children over the last couple of years. I don't understand what is going on in the world and why this seems to be happening so much. I am so sick and heartbroken for all of them. These are good people who really want these children and who have so much to offer and who would be amazing and incredible parents. I cannot imagine what they go through on a daily basis. Nothing is worse than losing a child.

I have a few friends this year who have had serious health scares. It is so unnerving to realize that even people who take great care of themselves aren't immune from the ugly.  These friends all have young children and spouses. I don't even know what to say about it. It just sucks.

This week, someone who graduated from my high school passed away after a long battle. She's leaving behind a young son and husband, as well as parents and sisters. She and I were not friends but I knew who she was. She fought so hard the last few years and at the age of 36, she lost the battle. Again, I just do not understand. There are no words.

And, the most disheartening of all, is that the suburb I live in is home to FIVE very ill children. (that I am aware of. I hate to think there could be more.) I pray every single day that these children get better and are going to go back to their everyday lives. If any "good" could come from this, it is the outpouring of support and love I have seen from everyone willing to help these kids. I just wish there was more we all could do. But sometimes, even your best isn't enough. Nothing can take away the pain and suffering of these kids and their parents, sibling, grandparents, etc. I just do not think there could be anything worse than watching your child go through something like this.

I cry and I feel sadness every day the last several months knowing that all of this has happened. There is no justifiable reason that all these people should be suffering. My heart hurts.

I wear a "blessing bracelet" everyday now. It's nothing fancy and is nothing more than 4 beads . I am not a religious person. I simply wear it to remind me that I have 4 healthy children and to be grateful every single day for them--no matter how much they drive me insane. I wear it to remind me that I have my parents and am fortunate that they are still here with me .I wear it to remind me of my brothers and sister. I wear it to remind me that I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I wear it to remind me of my dear friends. I wear it to remind me to not take ANYTHING for granted, ever.

I know this blog entry was not uplifting or funny or anything it normally is. But, I had people asking me when I would write again. So, after more bad news arrived in the middle of the night, I decided to just let it out and write about what was really going on. I had hoped I'd feel better after doing so. I don't. I just feel overwhelming sadness. :o(