I'm staring at my kitchen table. My husband is reading the Sunday paper. And, my four sons are sitting and all eating breakfast. It's a rarity to witness this. I can't even tell you the last time this happened. Something about watching them brought me to tears and I left the room with my coffee. Now I'm sitting here in front of my computer.
I don't know how I got so lucky. I don't know how I was lucky enough to get to be the mom to these incredible human beings. They are brothers from another mother, as I like to joke. But, at the end of the day, they are my boys; they are my heart and soul, literally. They are my everything, they are my all. When they are happy, I am as well. When they are sad, I hurt. When someone hurts them, I feel my heart breaking. I don't know what I did to become so lucky. Here come the tears again.
There are days I feel I fail them...all of them. Lately, I feel it moreso. It's that time of year where our schedule gets crazy. Baseball season is upon us. In the past, every night is a different game, a different field, bone chilling cold watching a game and late night dinner pick ups. The weather hasn't allowed for a lot of games thus far, except at the high school level. It's the first year he's playing. And, I'm missing it. Not because it's too cold or I'm at another game. I am at work. He understands. Everyone understands. But I am overwhelmed with guilt and tears. I love my job. I feel appreciated at my job---which is a first for me. I love my employer. I truly feel so lucky to be working where I am. Enter more tears. But with any situation, nothing is ever 100% perfect. And, in this situation, I am missing out on baseball season. Sure, there will be games I will be at. And, this year, I will have to treasure them.
What makes me so lucky is that my children understand the situation. They aren't upset or angry or disappointed even. They are remarkable people who don't make me feel badly or guilty for missing out. Yes, they comment that they wish I had been there. That is to be expected. But, they don't ever get angry with me. Neither does my husband. He's bearing the brunt of all of this. He works all day, comes home and starts the shuttle and dinner service. He packs lunches too. He's tired and worn out and when I do get home, he barely has the energy for a conversation. But, he does not complain. We do talk about it, how his days are exhausting, and sometimes he's crabby and it's best to leave him be. I feel badly about this. I try not to nit pick about things not being done "my way". Still, I admit to doing it sometimes. I'm me. I'm a control freak. This is a daily lesson on how to let some things go. I need to work on it. It's hard. More tears. The truth is, I am lucky. Even if things aren't done my way or if things aren't being held to "my standards", they are being done, whereas, in a lot of other households or families, they wouldn't be. Sure, there is some more arguing and short tempers due to lack of sleep, but at the end of the day, everything is getting done. I am lucky. I'm lucky that the brothers from another mother get to have a dad who makes sure they don't miss out on anything while this mom has taken on a new schedule. More tears. Time for my coffee....maybe I should switch to decaf.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Monday, December 9, 2013
An Update!
It's Monday morning!! YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Usually, not the reaction to a Monday morning....or is it? When you have children and school is in session.....hells to the yes it is! Especially---when Monday is your day off! Of course....being my day off...this means I always rise early on Mondays. It. Never. Fails. However, it's not as early as I now need to rise on Tuesdays and Thursdays as my son is now attending workouts with the baseball team. Woohoo.
I have not written in quite some time. Life has been crazy busy. Whose isn't? Loving my new job...school is going well this year for the boys....my baby girl (my English Bullie) seems to have outgrown the puppy phase and mommy is super happy about that. So, I felt a little update/check in was due.
My oldest son, who now TOWERS over me...he's at 5'11" now...has informed me that he will be attending workouts with the baseball team at his high school. Great, I thought. He's motivated, he's participating..this is terrific. Until, he showed me the workout schedule, that is. Two mornings a week, this practice starts, STARTS, at 610am. WTF is that??? This is the middle of the night. It's pitch black outside. No one is on the street. Not a creature is stirring...not even a mouse. And, guess who gets to drive him to said practices? Mommy does. It's amazing how I am "mommy" when he needs something from me. I work late afternoons thru evenings. And, while I do not get home crazy late, I need to finish up things in the house when I get home, eat dinner (PBJ is the only thing I seem to eat at that time of the evening....thank you to Walgreens for running a super sale last week!!!!!!! 2/$4...and I was the nut who cleared the shelves!) and I need time to wind down. So getting up even earlier than I need to isn't exactly the first item on my list. But, it's for my son..so of course I will do it...begrudgingly.
After day 1 of the workout, I texted him from work to ask him how the workout went. His response was as follows: "Amazing. It was a great environment." Whose child is this?? Sure as shit not mine. Mommy doesn't exercise. Mommy only runs when chased, and even then, is more likely to lay down and play dead. Amazing...pfffffttttttt! Where did this boy come from?????
Son #2...is also towering over me....closing in on 5'9" now.....he plays basketball and watching him make an improvement from last year to this warms my heart. As someone who was on the basketball team in jr. high, purely for early puberty and having height (and boobs), and only scored 2 points...EVER....I love watching him have some skills.
And, this morning, with a few inches on snow on the ground....seeing my little guys leave for school in jackets, snow pants, boots and hats and be SO excited....it was so exciting.....to see them so excited and to see the bus take them away for 6 hours....Buh Bye! More fun....seeing my baby girl, who is mostly white and pudgy...go in the yard to do her business in all the snow.....makes me laugh....she freaks out and has no idea what she should be doing! More fun...watching her come back in the house, get upset when I have to wipe her paws, and then...head directly to the couch and curl up on her blanket to let out a sigh and rest...she's mommy's girl.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
PMS? Or just circumstances?
Been a LONG time since I've written anything...but, with the way things have gone this morning, and it's only 810am, I absolutely had to write.
I will back track to last night...about 12 hours ago...my 12 year old won his baseball game. They came back from behind to beat the other team, which they don't typically do. The dinner discussion took place. I don't cook during my kid's baseball season. It just doesn't happen. It's too difficult. So, restaurants or take out it is. And, of course a disagreement occurred. I gave up. I am tired of playing referee and I am PMS'ing something fierce. I told Steve I was tired and crabby and swollen and feeling just crappy overall. (Over the last year, the PMS is getting more and more severe and the cycles are all messed up. JOY.) So, Steve handled it and I came home, showered and got into bed. The interesting part is what happened this morning.....
I slept terrible. (Nothing unusual either lately.) As I was making the bed, Steve says to me, "So, are you feeling better today?" "Better than what?" I was confused. He says. "You know, than last night. You had PMS." Am I missing something? Is PMS a 10 minute thing that just goes away? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable and then just passes and is gone until next month? Because, if it is, then I have something WAY more wrong with me than PMS. So, I responded to my dumb, naive, clueless husband. Perhaps, my voice was raised. Perhaps, I thought it would sink in more if I spoke loudly. (I am sure it didn't help, but you don't know unless you try.) I tried to explain that PMS is not simply an "outburst" that happens and then it's over. That it is not just a hormonal problem. That, in fact, it is a physical, as well as emotional series of feelings that occur each month and how miserable and uncomfortable it is to cope with and that I have been dealing with it since I was 11 years old.......and then I was cut off. He basically just said something along the lines of "Ok. I didn't know. I just asked how you were feeling. I have to go to work." Mhhhhmmmmm. Yeah. A couple months ago, one of the older boys even asked me if I had my period since I was "acting crazy". I almost slapped the shit out of him. I told him that he better not ever say those words again to me or any other woman as long as he lived.
I fully admit that I get a bit bent out of shape each month and that it's been getting worse. But, this is not a new thing. I have been dealing with this for quite some time. I even talked to my gyne about what to do about it. But sometimes, it isn't PMS that is the problem. Sometimes, it's the fact that I live with all men who tend to act and live like pigs. Maybe it has to do with them thinking the towel racks are built into the floor. Maybe it's because these people think that the dishes and glasses fly from the table into the dishwasher on their own. Perhaps, it has to do with the fact that after I nicely fold all the laundry, they don't care about ransacking the laundry baskets to find clothes. Or, after the pantry has been organized they just go and do what they want to it. Even worse, they open packages and do not close them the right way so that food gets stale and then THEY complain about it later on.
You know what might be a good idea? For them to not act like this! For them to not do all these things that drive me nuts on a good day. But, according to them, this PMS thing only lasts about 10 minutes. I must just be crazy.
I will back track to last night...about 12 hours ago...my 12 year old won his baseball game. They came back from behind to beat the other team, which they don't typically do. The dinner discussion took place. I don't cook during my kid's baseball season. It just doesn't happen. It's too difficult. So, restaurants or take out it is. And, of course a disagreement occurred. I gave up. I am tired of playing referee and I am PMS'ing something fierce. I told Steve I was tired and crabby and swollen and feeling just crappy overall. (Over the last year, the PMS is getting more and more severe and the cycles are all messed up. JOY.) So, Steve handled it and I came home, showered and got into bed. The interesting part is what happened this morning.....
I slept terrible. (Nothing unusual either lately.) As I was making the bed, Steve says to me, "So, are you feeling better today?" "Better than what?" I was confused. He says. "You know, than last night. You had PMS." Am I missing something? Is PMS a 10 minute thing that just goes away? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable and then just passes and is gone until next month? Because, if it is, then I have something WAY more wrong with me than PMS. So, I responded to my dumb, naive, clueless husband. Perhaps, my voice was raised. Perhaps, I thought it would sink in more if I spoke loudly. (I am sure it didn't help, but you don't know unless you try.) I tried to explain that PMS is not simply an "outburst" that happens and then it's over. That it is not just a hormonal problem. That, in fact, it is a physical, as well as emotional series of feelings that occur each month and how miserable and uncomfortable it is to cope with and that I have been dealing with it since I was 11 years old.......and then I was cut off. He basically just said something along the lines of "Ok. I didn't know. I just asked how you were feeling. I have to go to work." Mhhhhmmmmm. Yeah. A couple months ago, one of the older boys even asked me if I had my period since I was "acting crazy". I almost slapped the shit out of him. I told him that he better not ever say those words again to me or any other woman as long as he lived.
I fully admit that I get a bit bent out of shape each month and that it's been getting worse. But, this is not a new thing. I have been dealing with this for quite some time. I even talked to my gyne about what to do about it. But sometimes, it isn't PMS that is the problem. Sometimes, it's the fact that I live with all men who tend to act and live like pigs. Maybe it has to do with them thinking the towel racks are built into the floor. Maybe it's because these people think that the dishes and glasses fly from the table into the dishwasher on their own. Perhaps, it has to do with the fact that after I nicely fold all the laundry, they don't care about ransacking the laundry baskets to find clothes. Or, after the pantry has been organized they just go and do what they want to it. Even worse, they open packages and do not close them the right way so that food gets stale and then THEY complain about it later on.
You know what might be a good idea? For them to not act like this! For them to not do all these things that drive me nuts on a good day. But, according to them, this PMS thing only lasts about 10 minutes. I must just be crazy.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
"Mom. Can I Talk To You About Something?"
Yesterday, I sat here in tears, feeling super sad about the 20 children that were killed. I felt scared and paranoid about my children being at school. I survived the school day as did my children and children everywhere, thank goodness. As soon as 330pm hit, I received a text from my oldest son, Andrew. This was the exact text that came thru: "Hey Mom. Can I talk to you about something??" My response: "Yes. Always." I got myself all ready for a very serious conversation. In my mind, he was feeling anxious or nervous about being at school. I thought that, perhaps, there had been a lot of security at school and that made him feel paranoid about things happening. I thought his friends and him talked all day about the killer and the victims and could it happen to them. A million thoughts ran through my head in 30 seconds. And, I was already trying to think of the best way to talk to my son in his time of need. The next text that came thru totally caught me off guard, at this point in time: "It's about when I turn 16."
My son JUST turned 14 years old, exactly one month ago today. 14. Not 15, when he'd be getting ready to get a drivers permit. 14. He came in the house all smiley and giddy. I asked how his day was. I asked if there were police at school or an extra security presence. (I was slightly disappointed by the answer I received, but that's not the point, right now.) After he answered my questions, he posed his to me. "Where is that cool purple Corvette Daddy used to drive?" Um......I thought, have you seen it in our garage in the last 8 1/2 years??????????? We continued on with the conversation and I explained that it wasn't really his dads car. It was his uncles car and he was nice enough to let his dad drive the car. But, after his dad died, his dads brother took the car back. Andrew seemed slightly disappointed by my answer. I then told him that if I still had the car, I totally would've let him drive it when he turned 16. Then his face lit up. He seemed so happy by the answer of a situation that isn't going to exist. I found this to be rather humorous for some reason.
In a way, I almost felt relieved that this is what was on my sons mind all day long. Whereas I spent my day full of fear, sadness and paranoia, my son was completely concerned with whether or not he was going to be zipping around in a car we haven't seen in a long time. I suppose I should feel relief that his day wasn't consumed with horrible images and thoughts like mine were. Part of me wanted to hug and kiss him like I did when he was 3 years old because I was so happy he made it home in one piece. And then, part of me wanted to tap him in the head and tell him to snap out of it for his unrealistic thoughts of driving around in a car that isn't ours and that he wouldn't even be able to drive for a while. Sigh.....and the constant battle of thoughts in my head continues.....
My heart still hurts for Newtown. Two more funerals today. I am truly amazed at the memorials that are set up in that town for all of the victims. No one will ever be the same there......they just won't. My thoughts and prayers are with them all. May everyone find a way to move forward and to get thru each day. xoxo
My son JUST turned 14 years old, exactly one month ago today. 14. Not 15, when he'd be getting ready to get a drivers permit. 14. He came in the house all smiley and giddy. I asked how his day was. I asked if there were police at school or an extra security presence. (I was slightly disappointed by the answer I received, but that's not the point, right now.) After he answered my questions, he posed his to me. "Where is that cool purple Corvette Daddy used to drive?" Um......I thought, have you seen it in our garage in the last 8 1/2 years??????????? We continued on with the conversation and I explained that it wasn't really his dads car. It was his uncles car and he was nice enough to let his dad drive the car. But, after his dad died, his dads brother took the car back. Andrew seemed slightly disappointed by my answer. I then told him that if I still had the car, I totally would've let him drive it when he turned 16. Then his face lit up. He seemed so happy by the answer of a situation that isn't going to exist. I found this to be rather humorous for some reason.
In a way, I almost felt relieved that this is what was on my sons mind all day long. Whereas I spent my day full of fear, sadness and paranoia, my son was completely concerned with whether or not he was going to be zipping around in a car we haven't seen in a long time. I suppose I should feel relief that his day wasn't consumed with horrible images and thoughts like mine were. Part of me wanted to hug and kiss him like I did when he was 3 years old because I was so happy he made it home in one piece. And then, part of me wanted to tap him in the head and tell him to snap out of it for his unrealistic thoughts of driving around in a car that isn't ours and that he wouldn't even be able to drive for a while. Sigh.....and the constant battle of thoughts in my head continues.....
My heart still hurts for Newtown. Two more funerals today. I am truly amazed at the memorials that are set up in that town for all of the victims. No one will ever be the same there......they just won't. My thoughts and prayers are with them all. May everyone find a way to move forward and to get thru each day. xoxo
Monday, December 17, 2012
A Parents Worst Fear
I sit here today, with the news on in the background. I so badly want to turn off my TV and yet, I just cannot. I just can't. I can't stop crying either. I had a killer migraine last night and fell asleep around 8pm. It's still here, but starting to dull now. So maybe, I shouldn't be on my computer or sitting with the TV and lights on. But, I am. I haven't had a migraine in a long time--I've been able to control them pretty well. And, I couldn't understand why I developed one. I woke up so early this morning too since my head was just pounding. Was it due to no caffeine yesterday? Could be. Was it due to our family holiday celebration, hearing all the kids playing and laughing and screaming? Could be. Or, maybe it's because I've been crying on and off since Friday.
I don't use this blog to be political or to really share my personal thoughts on society and the world. It's just not who I am. That's not my intention today either. I am writing today's entry as a mom, as always. I'm just a mom, like millions of others, who are probably shaking in their boots over their kids being at school today, even though today is probably the safest day ever for kids to be at school. When my boys left today, I was shaking. They don't know that, but I was, especially when my youngest boys left.
The thoughts that ran thru my head: how would I get to school if something happened? I can't drive there. I know how long it takes me to walk there. (well, in that general area. For a brief time, I was walking for exercise. That's a whole other blog, and a more comical one) And, I am not a runner. But, maybe in that instance, I'd be able to?? I'd have to. I'd have to run to my boys. My big boys: it's a very quick walk to their school. I'd be able to get to them in just a few brief moments. And, what if there were multiple people, like a plot and they were at all the district schools? How would I get to all of them? I cannot cut myself in half. These are the thoughts running thru my head right now as the tears are falling from my eyes. But, I still cannot turn off my TV.
School is supposed to be the safest place for me to send my children. And in the town that this happened in, a place that appeared to be safe and sound, that place is like where we live; a place I moved to because of the community and the amazing schools. The parents of those children moved to that town for the same reason. Isn't is a reasonable expectation for us, as parents, to send our kids to school in the morning and to see them later in the day? Knowing that this happened in that place now means it can happen ANYWHERE...nowhere is safe anymore...nowhere. I don't tell my children that. I tell them they are safe and that their schools have things in place to prevent things like this from happening. But, my kids are smart. They aren't unrealistic.
There are teachers and the administrators in that school that gave their lives for those children. I don't even have words as to how remarkable that is....their families are going on without them now. Their protective instincts took over and they saved so many children. I hope there is a special place for them in the after life as they truly, truly are just amazing. I don't know what else to say about them.
As for the families of the children that are gone, I just....I don't even know. Losing a child is absolutely the worst thing in the world that can happen. And, to lose one so tragically, I don't have words. I don't have words, I don't know what to say and my heart literally hurts. And, these are children I do not know. I have no connection to these families. And, my heart hurts so badly. Two of these children are being buried today. This will be racing thru my mind all day long. These poor, little, adorable boys....they did nothing wrong...all they did was go to school on Friday. All their parents did was send them to school. They had to wait in that firehouse on Friday to hear that their children weren't coming back to them. I watched on TV as the CT state governor gave an interview telling how he was the one to tell those parents and families that their loved ones weren't coming. He sat their with tears rolling down his face as he told this story. The idea of being in that firehouse makes me feel physically ill. My thoughts and prayers are with all of these families. My thoughts and prayers are also with the first responders who had to go into that school and who wanted to save all those children and adults. Those images are forever embedded in their heads and I cannot imagine.......
There are so many thoughts racing thru my pounding head right now.....tears are falling.....my heart hurts....my stomach hurts.......I will forever remember those 20 children and 6 adults.....may G-d bless their souls. May G-d bless their families.
And to everyone out there.....may all our children and loved ones come home every day. May we as a country find a way to heal. May we find a way to help those who need help. May we find a way to get thru each day. And it's not a cliche to say hug your loved ones a little bit longer. I know I will be each and every day.
I don't use this blog to be political or to really share my personal thoughts on society and the world. It's just not who I am. That's not my intention today either. I am writing today's entry as a mom, as always. I'm just a mom, like millions of others, who are probably shaking in their boots over their kids being at school today, even though today is probably the safest day ever for kids to be at school. When my boys left today, I was shaking. They don't know that, but I was, especially when my youngest boys left.
The thoughts that ran thru my head: how would I get to school if something happened? I can't drive there. I know how long it takes me to walk there. (well, in that general area. For a brief time, I was walking for exercise. That's a whole other blog, and a more comical one) And, I am not a runner. But, maybe in that instance, I'd be able to?? I'd have to. I'd have to run to my boys. My big boys: it's a very quick walk to their school. I'd be able to get to them in just a few brief moments. And, what if there were multiple people, like a plot and they were at all the district schools? How would I get to all of them? I cannot cut myself in half. These are the thoughts running thru my head right now as the tears are falling from my eyes. But, I still cannot turn off my TV.
School is supposed to be the safest place for me to send my children. And in the town that this happened in, a place that appeared to be safe and sound, that place is like where we live; a place I moved to because of the community and the amazing schools. The parents of those children moved to that town for the same reason. Isn't is a reasonable expectation for us, as parents, to send our kids to school in the morning and to see them later in the day? Knowing that this happened in that place now means it can happen ANYWHERE...nowhere is safe anymore...nowhere. I don't tell my children that. I tell them they are safe and that their schools have things in place to prevent things like this from happening. But, my kids are smart. They aren't unrealistic.
There are teachers and the administrators in that school that gave their lives for those children. I don't even have words as to how remarkable that is....their families are going on without them now. Their protective instincts took over and they saved so many children. I hope there is a special place for them in the after life as they truly, truly are just amazing. I don't know what else to say about them.
As for the families of the children that are gone, I just....I don't even know. Losing a child is absolutely the worst thing in the world that can happen. And, to lose one so tragically, I don't have words. I don't have words, I don't know what to say and my heart literally hurts. And, these are children I do not know. I have no connection to these families. And, my heart hurts so badly. Two of these children are being buried today. This will be racing thru my mind all day long. These poor, little, adorable boys....they did nothing wrong...all they did was go to school on Friday. All their parents did was send them to school. They had to wait in that firehouse on Friday to hear that their children weren't coming back to them. I watched on TV as the CT state governor gave an interview telling how he was the one to tell those parents and families that their loved ones weren't coming. He sat their with tears rolling down his face as he told this story. The idea of being in that firehouse makes me feel physically ill. My thoughts and prayers are with all of these families. My thoughts and prayers are also with the first responders who had to go into that school and who wanted to save all those children and adults. Those images are forever embedded in their heads and I cannot imagine.......
There are so many thoughts racing thru my pounding head right now.....tears are falling.....my heart hurts....my stomach hurts.......I will forever remember those 20 children and 6 adults.....may G-d bless their souls. May G-d bless their families.
And to everyone out there.....may all our children and loved ones come home every day. May we as a country find a way to heal. May we find a way to help those who need help. May we find a way to get thru each day. And it's not a cliche to say hug your loved ones a little bit longer. I know I will be each and every day.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I am Me
Today is 12.12.12.....the last time in my lifetime that I will see a date like that. I have to admit...it's pretty cool. Cooler? Kids turning 12 years old today. Or...people being married 12 years today. It also dawned on me that this coming Friday, the 14th, I would've been married for 15 years to my late husband. He's been gone over 8 years now. I am happily married to my new husband Steve (who at this point isn't so new LOL) for 4 1/2 years. Where does my head wander at this point, because I am me? I probably should've had some kind of anniversary band on my left finger at this point.(given that combined, between 2 marriages, I've been married about 11 years) People who truly know me will find the humor in that. Those who don't, well, you will think whatever you want. And that is the point of today's blog entry: Think whatever you want about me. At the end of the day, what you think, it doesn't matter. I am me; for better, for worse; in happy times, in sad; on good days or bad; when
I am up, when I am down; when I feel giving, when I don't; I AM ME; accept me or don't.
I was having a conversation with my therapist. (yes, I see a therapist, as do MANY other people; think what you want) I won't get into all the details as that is really between the two of us. But, the main thing that came from the conversation was that I AM ME. Period. No matter what anyone thinks I am me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me. And trust me, there are varying degrees out there of what people think. I won't list all of the opinions, as they truly don't matter. The only opinion that matters is mine. Therefore, I am going to write out some facts about me. Whether those of you reading this choose to agree or disagree, that is up to you.
-I am a survivor. I survived losing my husband, suddenly. I was 28 years old and had 3 young sons. I was VERY lucky to have an amazing support system; a lot of people do not have that. I was one of the lucky ones. Without that system, I don't know that I would've survived it.
-I am a good mother; maybe not every single day (definitely not every day LOL) but every day I get up with the intention to do the best I can with my children. Some days, I succeed. Other days, I fail. And on the days I fail, it tears me apart. It may not seem like it, but it does. I want to be a great mom every day. But those moms out there know that some days, it just cannot be done-whether it's due to the kids acting up or me having just a really rough personal day, it cannot be done every single day.
-I am a good cook. (My kids would disagree with that about half the time.) I like trying new recipes and I believe that trying counts for something. If others don't like what I cook, they can cook their own meals.
-I am a good hostess. I try to make my guests feel welcome and I try to make my home feel warm and welcoming. I try.... If people don't like it, they can host events at their own homes.
-I am not a great housekeeper. My house is clean but it has clutter and "stuff". It frustrates me as I wish I was a better housekeeper. But, this inner battle I have within myself, it may never end; and that frustrates me even more. If people don't like it, don't come to my house.
-I am a great driver, that is, when I am allowed to drive.
-I am an Epileptic. There, I said it. Officially, by definition, I am. No doctor can tell me why. Not having a reason is what bugs me even more I think than having it.
-I am unable to drive AGAIN right now. I have just over 4 months to go until I can.
-I am a control freak. Not having control causes me to "lash out" sometimes. I cannot help it. People think that I can; I promise you, I've tried. It's ok that I am; that's who I am.
-I am a screamer. (get your minds out of the gutter LOL) Just ask my kids. I yell a lot. My mom yelled a lot when we were kids. I didn't understand it then. I most definitely understand it now. My siblings don't have any children yet. One day, they too will understand. I almost guarantee it. So will my children who claim that they won't yell at their children. I hope I'll be around to see those days when they "won't be yelling". But, the fact that I do yell is ok. It doesn't matter if other people understand it. I have 4 kids; 4 boys at that. It doesn't matter if others think I yell to much; they aren't in my shoes.
-I am moody. That's all I can say about that one.
-I don't smile often. It's nothing personal; I just don't.
-I see the glass as "half empty". I just do. My life experiences just seem to cause me to be that way. I envy the people who see it as "half full"--I really do. And, there's nothing wrong with me seeing it the way I do, no matter what other people seem to think.
These are just a few examples of who I am. Some make me the great person that I am; others make me, well, difficult to get along with sometimes LOL. But like I said earlier, all of these qualities make me who I am. It just doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I am Me.
I am up, when I am down; when I feel giving, when I don't; I AM ME; accept me or don't.
I was having a conversation with my therapist. (yes, I see a therapist, as do MANY other people; think what you want) I won't get into all the details as that is really between the two of us. But, the main thing that came from the conversation was that I AM ME. Period. No matter what anyone thinks I am me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me. And trust me, there are varying degrees out there of what people think. I won't list all of the opinions, as they truly don't matter. The only opinion that matters is mine. Therefore, I am going to write out some facts about me. Whether those of you reading this choose to agree or disagree, that is up to you.
-I am a survivor. I survived losing my husband, suddenly. I was 28 years old and had 3 young sons. I was VERY lucky to have an amazing support system; a lot of people do not have that. I was one of the lucky ones. Without that system, I don't know that I would've survived it.
-I am a good mother; maybe not every single day (definitely not every day LOL) but every day I get up with the intention to do the best I can with my children. Some days, I succeed. Other days, I fail. And on the days I fail, it tears me apart. It may not seem like it, but it does. I want to be a great mom every day. But those moms out there know that some days, it just cannot be done-whether it's due to the kids acting up or me having just a really rough personal day, it cannot be done every single day.
-I am a good cook. (My kids would disagree with that about half the time.) I like trying new recipes and I believe that trying counts for something. If others don't like what I cook, they can cook their own meals.
-I am a good hostess. I try to make my guests feel welcome and I try to make my home feel warm and welcoming. I try.... If people don't like it, they can host events at their own homes.
-I am not a great housekeeper. My house is clean but it has clutter and "stuff". It frustrates me as I wish I was a better housekeeper. But, this inner battle I have within myself, it may never end; and that frustrates me even more. If people don't like it, don't come to my house.
-I am a great driver, that is, when I am allowed to drive.
-I am an Epileptic. There, I said it. Officially, by definition, I am. No doctor can tell me why. Not having a reason is what bugs me even more I think than having it.
-I am unable to drive AGAIN right now. I have just over 4 months to go until I can.
-I am a control freak. Not having control causes me to "lash out" sometimes. I cannot help it. People think that I can; I promise you, I've tried. It's ok that I am; that's who I am.
-I am a screamer. (get your minds out of the gutter LOL) Just ask my kids. I yell a lot. My mom yelled a lot when we were kids. I didn't understand it then. I most definitely understand it now. My siblings don't have any children yet. One day, they too will understand. I almost guarantee it. So will my children who claim that they won't yell at their children. I hope I'll be around to see those days when they "won't be yelling". But, the fact that I do yell is ok. It doesn't matter if other people understand it. I have 4 kids; 4 boys at that. It doesn't matter if others think I yell to much; they aren't in my shoes.
-I am moody. That's all I can say about that one.
-I don't smile often. It's nothing personal; I just don't.
-I see the glass as "half empty". I just do. My life experiences just seem to cause me to be that way. I envy the people who see it as "half full"--I really do. And, there's nothing wrong with me seeing it the way I do, no matter what other people seem to think.
These are just a few examples of who I am. Some make me the great person that I am; others make me, well, difficult to get along with sometimes LOL. But like I said earlier, all of these qualities make me who I am. It just doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I am Me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I'm Back
I'm back. Have you missed me? As much as I love writing, I haven't missed being here. Why? Because I was busy with my life; my children, my husband, my job, my home, my friends, you get the point.
And then, on October 14th, while talking with Steve (who was wearing a t-shirt I really couldn't stand) I apparently had a seizure. I say apparently because I have NO recollection of it at all. But, the paramedics confirmed it. Steve confirmed it. Andrew confirmed it. Yes, not only did my husband have to witness it, but my oldest son did as well. From my understanding, he was a rock star. He called 911 and handled everything while Steve tried to keep me from hurting myself. Steve followed the ambulance to the hospital. Andrew called all the necessary people, including my BFF who was in the Bahamas and couldn't really do anything from there, but he probably didn't remember that. After all, he's a teenager now and doesn't listen to me. I guess I was doing ok at the hospital and I was going to get to go home, until I had seizure number 2 and was then admitted.
I really do not remember much of my hospital stay. The neurologist says that is normal. It doesn't feel normal. I haven't felt normal in 16 days. I've had an outpouring of help from family and friends and it is very much appreciated by me and my husband and kids. But, again, I have a LONG 6 months ahead of me as driving is off limits, AGAIN. I cannot begin to explain to you what it is like to have your freedom ripped away from you. I cannot do anything on my own, for the most part. I have to ask to go places. I HATE ASKING FOR HELP. I am a control freak. And now, I have no control. It makes me feel like a child. I hate it. I am back to wearing a medical ID bracelet. (guess I never should've removed the one I had on) My medication has been doubled. It exhausts me to no end. That part *should wear off. I am SO fortunate that the kids and Steve are being super wonderful. (of course, I had threatened no Hanukkah or birthdays)
At least this time, my 6 month sentence, is not during baseball season. I should be freed from this right as the season starts. And, thank goodness for online shopping as the holiday season approaches. As much as I don't enjoy crowds and, well people in general, I do love seeing all the decorations in the stores. It's my favorite time of year. I know, I can go to the stores with Steve or friends, but I like doing it MY WAY, like Frank Sinatra.
So, my friends, expect more entries from me. I'm not sure how amusing they'll be as me staring at the dog is kind of boring. I'll try my best. XO
And then, on October 14th, while talking with Steve (who was wearing a t-shirt I really couldn't stand) I apparently had a seizure. I say apparently because I have NO recollection of it at all. But, the paramedics confirmed it. Steve confirmed it. Andrew confirmed it. Yes, not only did my husband have to witness it, but my oldest son did as well. From my understanding, he was a rock star. He called 911 and handled everything while Steve tried to keep me from hurting myself. Steve followed the ambulance to the hospital. Andrew called all the necessary people, including my BFF who was in the Bahamas and couldn't really do anything from there, but he probably didn't remember that. After all, he's a teenager now and doesn't listen to me. I guess I was doing ok at the hospital and I was going to get to go home, until I had seizure number 2 and was then admitted.
I really do not remember much of my hospital stay. The neurologist says that is normal. It doesn't feel normal. I haven't felt normal in 16 days. I've had an outpouring of help from family and friends and it is very much appreciated by me and my husband and kids. But, again, I have a LONG 6 months ahead of me as driving is off limits, AGAIN. I cannot begin to explain to you what it is like to have your freedom ripped away from you. I cannot do anything on my own, for the most part. I have to ask to go places. I HATE ASKING FOR HELP. I am a control freak. And now, I have no control. It makes me feel like a child. I hate it. I am back to wearing a medical ID bracelet. (guess I never should've removed the one I had on) My medication has been doubled. It exhausts me to no end. That part *should wear off. I am SO fortunate that the kids and Steve are being super wonderful. (of course, I had threatened no Hanukkah or birthdays)
At least this time, my 6 month sentence, is not during baseball season. I should be freed from this right as the season starts. And, thank goodness for online shopping as the holiday season approaches. As much as I don't enjoy crowds and, well people in general, I do love seeing all the decorations in the stores. It's my favorite time of year. I know, I can go to the stores with Steve or friends, but I like doing it MY WAY, like Frank Sinatra.
So, my friends, expect more entries from me. I'm not sure how amusing they'll be as me staring at the dog is kind of boring. I'll try my best. XO
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