Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Bitter Reality

It's been over two months since I have blogged anything. Life got crazy for a while. My oldest son, Andrew became a Bar Mitzvah in November. It was a day I thought would take forever to get here when he was first born, and then, it was here and now it's over. I couldn't be more proud of the job he did and how hard he worked to accomplish it. I hosted Thanksgiving a few days later. Everything there went fairly well. It was another loud, rowdy evening with my family. Nothing else needs to be said there. And now, the end of the year is in sight. And as I look's been a rough one.

I spent the first six months not being able to drive due to my seizure episode that occurred while on vacation for my 35th birthday. After rounds and rounds of testing, there was never an answer as to what caused it or why it happened. It was the second seizure I had in a 19 month period. No answers ever came from the first seizure either. It was an incredibly difficult time for me. I lost my freedom. It was a difficult strain on Steve and the boys, but , we pulled thru it.

Things got better for a couple weeks when my BFF's son was diagnosed with a Wilms Tumor. He underwent major surgery to remove the tumor and one kidney. I had to leave town a few days after surgery. Andrew's baseball team was on their way to Cooperstown to play at Dreams Park--something we had been waiting for for 2 years. It was so hard to leave and to not be here to help and support her. Steve was unable to take the trip with us due to work. Thank G-d for my Mom, for without her coming with the boys and me, this whole trip would've fallen apart. My BFF's son has had a  bumpy road since but he is a fighter and a champ and has two treatments left and then we all get to say "F you Cancer!!!!!!"

Too many friends and people I grew up with or knew when I was younger have lost children over the last couple of years. I don't understand what is going on in the world and why this seems to be happening so much. I am so sick and heartbroken for all of them. These are good people who really want these children and who have so much to offer and who would be amazing and incredible parents. I cannot imagine what they go through on a daily basis. Nothing is worse than losing a child.

I have a few friends this year who have had serious health scares. It is so unnerving to realize that even people who take great care of themselves aren't immune from the ugly.  These friends all have young children and spouses. I don't even know what to say about it. It just sucks.

This week, someone who graduated from my high school passed away after a long battle. She's leaving behind a young son and husband, as well as parents and sisters. She and I were not friends but I knew who she was. She fought so hard the last few years and at the age of 36, she lost the battle. Again, I just do not understand. There are no words.

And, the most disheartening of all, is that the suburb I live in is home to FIVE very ill children. (that I am aware of. I hate to think there could be more.) I pray every single day that these children get better and are going to go back to their everyday lives. If any "good" could come from this, it is the outpouring of support and love I have seen from everyone willing to help these kids. I just wish there was more we all could do. But sometimes, even your best isn't enough. Nothing can take away the pain and suffering of these kids and their parents, sibling, grandparents, etc. I just do not think there could be anything worse than watching your child go through something like this.

I cry and I feel sadness every day the last several months knowing that all of this has happened. There is no justifiable reason that all these people should be suffering. My heart hurts.

I wear a "blessing bracelet" everyday now. It's nothing fancy and is nothing more than 4 beads . I am not a religious person. I simply wear it to remind me that I have 4 healthy children and to be grateful every single day for them--no matter how much they drive me insane. I wear it to remind me that I have my parents and am fortunate that they are still here with me .I wear it to remind me of my brothers and sister. I wear it to remind me that I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I wear it to remind me of my dear friends. I wear it to remind me to not take ANYTHING for granted, ever.

I know this blog entry was not uplifting or funny or anything it normally is. But, I had people asking me when I would write again. So, after more bad news arrived in the middle of the night, I decided to just let it out and write about what was really going on. I had hoped I'd feel better after doing so. I don't. I just feel overwhelming sadness. :o(